YourTango's Best of Sex 2007

Savor our 10 most sizzling, sexy stories of the year.
When it comes to pillow talk, don’t leave any position undiscovered. Check out YourTango’s favorite sex stories of 2007.
1. Bringing Fantasy to Your Sex Life
How imagination enhances our sex lives.
2. How an Affair Saved My Marriage
In an unexpected twist, an affair brings a marriage back to life.
3. Keeping Your Married Life Red Hot
One therapist's secret to keeping the spark alive.

4. How Can Yoga Improve Your Sex Life?
In yoga, breath is sacred and your body is a temple.
5. Let's Talk About Sex
Think you know everything about the birds and the bees? Think again.
6. Can You Orgasm From Intercourse Alone?
It's the hot-button questions among friends close enough to ask?
7. True Love and Technology: A Look at What the Future Holds
From Webcam dates to sms-controlled sex toys, the future of love.


8. Passion in Print
YourTango's picks for some sweat-inducing classics.
9. Appetite for Seduction
Men dish their recipes for love.
10. Setting the Terms for a Threesome
How to (really) manage a menage a trois.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.

How Snooping Helped Me Survive Divorce

Reading his diary helped liberate me from our marriage—after he left.
Two weeks before my 40th birthday, my husband of five years told me he wanted to be with a woman he worked with at Citibank more than he wanted to be with me and our 14-month-old daughter.
I was nearly paralyzed with fear. How was I going to make it as a single parent? What was I going to do? I was becoming thinner by the minute. My size eight clothes hung off of me, but there was no one to care or tease me that there was finally room for my shirt and rear end to share a pair of pants again.
Then one evening while sitting on the edge of the bed staring at walls papered in yellow and white stripes, my eyes wandered to the bookshelves in our bedroom, and that was when I saw it. He'd not only left me, he'd left his journal, too. I thought I'd never read anyone else's diary; I had too much respect for other people's privacy. I guess I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did because I barely hesitated a nanosecond before I grabbed it and began reading. Diary of a Mad Ad Woman


I flipped through the pages about trout fishing and tying flies made from dog hair. My husband was a tall, good-looking WASP who liked outdoorsy things, and owned his own waders and pricey fishing rods. He even belonged to a fly-fishing club that met in some landmark building downtown.
Then I came to a page where I was the subject. He wrote about what he called my "peasant hands," which he said I "called attention to by wearing a lot of rings." Peasant hands? Did he mean I had short fat fingers? I wore a size five ring. That didn't seem short and fat to me. I actually thought I had nice hands; I had a manicure every week. Of course, my father's family were Russian Jews; my grandfather had fled the czar's army. Was that what he meant when he wrote about the peasant part of me?
Then it got worse. He wrote about our lovemaking. How during sex with me he was impatient about how long it took me to have an orgasm. The thought of him mentally drumming his fingers, angry about the timing of my responsiveness was horrifying. How long did his mental timer allow me? I couldn't believe that the man I married and had a child with had actually written, much less thought, that. I closed the diary and put it back on the shelf with an entirely new understanding of the expression, "Ignorance is bliss." What he had written was worse than anything he'd ever said to me. Actually, he hadn't said much to me at all. He’d certainly never complained about anything in our marriage, and now I felt more betrayed by his writing than anything he could have ever done with another woman.
Reading his diary helped liberate me from our marriage—after he left.
I recalled a recent Sunday afternoon walking the few blocks home from a museum to our New York City apartment when I said to him, teasingly, "You know, if this were our first date, it would also be our last." He didn't answer.
"Either you've turned into a really boring person or something is bothering you," I prodded. "Is something bothering you?" He still didn't answer.
"Is there something the matter with us?" I ventured. No response.
Finally he said, "I guess I just don't have enough time to myself. Like time to really read the paper." We had a 14-month-old daughter who had been born seven weeks prematurely. Between getting her settled in and working full-time, neither of us had enough time to ourselves. How To Survive Your First Year Of Marriage


I almost started to laugh. "I don't think you get time to yourself for years."
We had a full-time babysitter, but she left on weekends. Saturdays, I usually took care of shopping and did things with our daughter. He took some time to play squash at the University Club. Whatever time to himself he didn't think he was getting, it was a lot more than I was.
I felt increasingly distant from him even though he was just a few feet from me when we were at home. It was the worst kind of loneliness— feeling alone when there's someone so close by.
Finally I ventured, tentatively, "Is there someone else involved? I don't want to try and guess what's the matter with us if there's a third party." Instead of reassuring me, he didn't say a word.
"Well, if the answer isn't no, it must be yes," I continued. Still he was silent.
"Well, it must be Marion," I concluded. Marion was a woman he worked with at Citibank, and I'd once said to him, "If I were less secure I'd be jealous of Marion because you're always saying how great she is." His answer then had been, "If you ever saw her face, you'd never be jealous."
But he must have decided that whatever he thought of her face, it wasn't that important. Or maybe she made him feel better than I did—telling him how clever and smart he was. In truth, I thought he was smart, and handsome, and a good father. He would walk around cradling our baby on his shoulder to comfort her when she was crying; he would tuck her in at night with her stuffed donkey, Nelson, and then make a cup of cocoa for me.
Reading his diary helped liberate me from our marriage—after he left.
But now he told me he loved Marion and wanted to be with her. He offered no other explanation for his dissatisfaction in our marriage: nothing I had done wrong or could possibly fix, nothing that was negotiable. As he walked out the door, he told me, "Don't write us off, we'll get help." Could Couples Therapy Really Save Us?
I don't know what help he had in mind because he refused to see a marriage counselor or any other kind of mediator. He said he'd be staying with mutual friends who lived near us. Instead, he moved in with Marion.
Getting married had been his idea. I'd just wanted to live together. If things didn't work out I wanted to be able to call a mover, not a lawyer. But he had insisted on it. We'd been living together for two years when he gave me an ultimatum.


"Marry me or I'm moving out," he'd said. "I don't believe in divorce. I'm there for the long haul."
My parents had divorced when I was less than two years old, so the idea of a family was both alien and seductive. My mother had died when I was ten, and my father remarried five years later. But his new wife hated me. I lived in a hotel in downtown Detroit, apart from my father, his wife and my brother from then on.
At the time, the promise of having a family of my own had been irresistible. And it proved to be everything I'd ever wanted. We had a great apartment and a beautiful baby girl. We both had good jobs. He was an executive with the bank; I was a successful advertising copywriter at a top New York agency. And in five years he never said a word to suggest that he wasn't happy with me.
Maybe that's why I was so amazed by his secret life as a virtual James Joyce.
The pain of reading his diary was oddly liberating. Once I got past my disgust, I couldn't lose what I didn't have. And if that was the man I was married to, I thought, I didn't lose much. In actuality, reading his diary may have been one of the best things that have happened to me. It made me see that he was never really there for me to begin with. I didn't have to worry about how I was going to make it alone. I'd been alone all that time and just didn't realize it.
I never said anything to him about his journal. One afternoon, several weeks later, he came over to pick up our daughter as part of his visitation. As I was dressing her in little Lacoste shorts and a matching t-shirt, he commented on her ears.
"She has such perfect ears, almost like little shells," he said.
"Yes," I replied. "But don't you think she has peasant hands?" That he didn’t answer came as no surprise.
Years later, I was in my daughter's room putting away some of her sweaters that had come back from the cleaners when I came across her diary. Some experts on adolescent behavior say parents should know everything their kids are up to, even if it means eavesdropping and poking around in their rooms. For me, reading her diary was out of the question. Not just because it would be invading her privacy, and not because it was a matter of character. I just didn't want to know anything about her that she didn't want to tell me.

The Best Sex Advice You'll Ever Get

Try this revolutionary idea and change your sex life forever. It's practically guaranteed.
I was having lunch with Dr. Marty Klein last week, author of the groundbreaking book, Sexual Intelligence. Marty is one of my favorite people to talk to because he is smart, funny and can talk about sex the way most people talk about gardening — just normal, everyday conversation.
After we'd ordered our shrimp dumplings and pot stickers, I asked him, "Okay, Marty, what would you say, in general, is the number one thing that couples could do to improve their sex lives?" He paused over the steaming shrimp. "Go on an intercourse moratorium!" He went on to explain how most people think of intercourse as "real sex" and everything else as foreplay or "not real sex."


The belief that intercourse is "where all of this is supposed to be heading" doesn't allow for other interesting and provocative forms of sex to be satisfying on their own. What happens if you have wonderful oral sex, manual sex, foot sex and every-other-part-of-the-human-anatomy-sex and just never get around to the intercourse? The idea that intercourse is the only "real sex" would render this as an incomplete experience. "Oh no! We forgot to f*ck! Guess we'll have to start all over again ..."
De-emphasizing intercourse as the only form of "real sex" allows for you and your partner to play, be creative and have fun without a destination in mind. Other advantages include: not having to use birth control, less likelihood of STD transmission, more likelihood of female orgasm (since intercourse is the least successful means to an orgasm for many women) and no requirement for sustaining an erection.
It's like going out for a drive without having a destination. Have you ever gone out for a drive in the country? You just start exploring all these little side roads and end up seeing things and having adventures and meeting people that you would have never had if you were just bee lining it down the freeway to get somewhere by a certain time. The experience just unfolds, full of chance meetings and arrivals at unexpected destinations.

So, what happens if you take out the "usual way" that you have sex? Well, it opens the relationship up to novelty. Again, novelty is one of the key factors in being able to sustain that "sizzle factor" in relationships. And why not bring a little novelty into your sex life? According to everyone I've ever spoken with, most couples could use a little of that! Keep reading ...
Try this revolutionary idea and change your sex life forever. It's practically guaranteed.
Bringing new approaches and exploration into a familiar sex life involves taking some risk though, doesn't it? "Oh boy, what are they going to think?" Our fear of being judged as weird, kinky or "gross" by our partner can keep our sexual exploration and fantasies confined. Play with trying one new thing each time. It doesn't even have to be anything big — could be as simple as, "Let's just leave the lights on tonight," or as off-the-wall as "Why don't we try getting the baseball mitts out?" (I know, weird, but hey, I'm just sayin'!).
See what you can do to increase your creativity quotient and remember, novelty and creativity help build healthier, happier brains!

Is This Chemical Messing Up Your Love Life?

The so-called 'love hormone' may be why you fall head over heels in love too quickly.
Men are notorious for being the elusive partner. After the sexual rendezvous is over, a man may want to have nothing to do with a woman; he will go on to chase down another woman only to be bored in the end of the relationship. Then suddenly, she's chasing him down. This game of "cat and mouse" in dating seems to never end. I even see this within committed relationships. So what gives?
If you're tired of going from one casual hookup to another, it's possible you may be letting a little chemical called "oxytocin" get the best of you.
Oxytocin is often called the "love hormone," said to be released during intercourse — it encourages bonding and studies suggest that it's more powerful in women, causing them to attach to the men they have sex with. One study I read recently even suggested that too much oxytocin can cause men to withdraw. So oxytocin overdose can occur, causing men to feel less interested in bonding? There's also some evidence that the act of being rejected stimulates a part in our brain, which may cause us to chase the very thing that eludes us (so it would seem that "playing hard to get" actually works).


It's at the heart of why women often complain about feeling objectified. Women will complain about being "eye candy" and how they want to be more than someone's sex toy. But the truth of the matter is that men can feel objectified too, because women often have their sights on what a man can do for them. Women desperately want a husband, a prince charming, a person to fulfill all those romantic notions.
In this all too common scenario, one person may feel attached and therfore chase, while the other will run away. So, what to do? Keep reading ...
The so-called 'love hormone' may be why you fall head over heels in love too quickly.
When you feel the oxytocin, dopamine, testosterone or whichever chemical reactor is making you feel pathologically, possessively or obsessively attached to someone who doesn't seem to be giving you back quite as much, it means it's time to relax. Be a friend. Allow the relationship to unfold in its own time.
Do you even want what you think you want? Take a deep breath, focus on yourself, take a walk, go for a jog, take a yoga class and remind yourself there are other forces at work here. What you crave and desire, you will only push away by clinging too hard. People want to feel appreciated, and genuinely liked before they will respond in jest.
I think this whole concept that there are hormones responsible for our attachments is fine, but I like to remind people we are also in control of how we respond to emotions and feelings within our bodies. While you may feel compelled to hound the object of our affections down as a result of chemicals in your brain, you have to stop and think: "Is this really what I want?"


Moushumi Ghose is a sex and relationship therapist and expert, based in Los Angeles. She is the host of The Sex Talk. Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.

Another 9 Things I Wish I Learned In Sex Ed—Part 3 of 4

Other than sex ed from The Silent Scream, what else is there to learn about sex and sexuality?
I was probably 11 or 12 when I watched a video called “The Silent Scream” in primary school (or grade school in the U.S.). It is a documentary video which depicts the abortion process via ultrasound and shows an abortion taking place in the uterus. During the abortion process, the presenter dramatically paused the video as the 11-week fetus opens its mouth in the uterus – in what appeared to be an outcry of pain and discomfort – and went, “There, there, there is the silent scream!”
Satisfied that we are considerably traumatized, we were each left with a silver collar pin moulded after the feet of an 11-week fetus to remind us of the consequences if we were to have sex. From what I hear, generations of students have watched this video in Singapore. This singular video was my only form of sex-ed I can remember in primary school.


Here are the nine more things that I wish I learned in sex-ed as a teenager. You can read part 1, part 2  and part 4 here.
1.All these things your doctor or parents told you is all is true: watch your diet, exercise regularly, drink less, stop smoking, and take time to pamper yourself. Your ability to enjoy your sexuality is in direct correlation with your general health.
2.You do not end up with a shorter life, go blind, or develop hairy palms from performing masturbation. There are lots of nice alternative names for masturbation such as self-love, self-pleasuring, or even solo- sex which you can choose to use.
3.If you are unable to achieve an orgasm by yourself, you are less likely to be able to have an orgasm with a partner. Understanding your own body through masturbation is a great way to express your sexuality, to relieve stress, and to sleep better.
4.Most women (70 – 80%) can only attain an orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Only about 10 to 20% of women can reach an orgasm through vaginal penetration. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. There is no good or bad way to receive an orgasm, so just enjoy!
5.Because men experience the start of their orgasm and ejaculation contractions within a fraction of a second, it is often misunderstood (even by the media) as one and the same thing. In reality, men can orgasm without ejaculating, and men can also ejaculate without an orgasm.
6.Yes, there is such a thing called the female G-spot. There is also the male G-spot, and E-spot (where arousal happens as the ear is being cleaned!). It is also true that some women can ejaculate and it is not pee though it may contain traces of urine. Instead of being stuck on locating “spots,” what is most important is that you are experiencing pleasure and enjoying yourself during sex.
7.While the mass media uses sexualized images of men and women to sell their products and services, the people depicted do not represent how the rest of the population actually looks. Rather than be fixated with weight, focus on health. Instead of getting caught up with looking like a model, concern yourself with the beauty you hold within and let it shin through. It will serve you well.
8.While porn always ends with the male orgasm, sex in real life does not need to end that way. The goal of sex should not be the orgasm. Either or both or neither one of you might “cum” in any given sexual encounter and that is alright!

9.While watching porn, it is important to remember that they are actors portraying what most people fantasize about, not what actually happens in most people’s sex lives. That aside, we can be sexually stimulated by a wide variety of music, art, pictures, movies, stories, etc. and it is not at all weird if you do too.
What are your thoughts of this list? Check out part 1, part 2 and part 4 here.
Dr Martha Tara Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching and sex therapy. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia and beyond. For more, visit
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The 7 Absolutely Worst Things About Car Sex

Sorry, I'm about to ruin another fantasy for you.
So, we went over the flaws in beach sex last week. Naturally, it's time to go after car sex! As fun as it can be under exactly the right circumstances, there is also a long list of perils that can come along with getting it on in the car. Read on, and think carefully before you decide to get amorous in your four-door.
1. Limited space. I don't care how flexible you think you are; only trained yogis can comfortably get it on in a sedan.
2. High chances of getting caught. Cops do keep their eyes out for things like this, you know. Plus, you can always get charged with public indecency. And we don't want that for you.
3. Too many places for your fella to rack himself. The console, the stick shift, your elbow, if you're not careful.

4. Imminent injury. It is way too easy to smack your head on the window, get your hand caught in something, or, as number three suggests, unman him.
5. Crashing. The. Car. If you're really not thinking (because all the blood has left your head) you might try getting it on while the car is in motion. PLEASE DO NOT. It is not a good idea to try to hook up while barreling down the freeway. You'll crash, you'll get arrested, and the next thing you know, you're in handcuffs on your way to the ER. Let's just avoid that one entirely, okay?
6. You probably won't be able to focus. At least not as well as you would someplace truly private. You'll have one ear perked for other cars, wandering serial killers (yes, I'm paranoid), or even, depending on where you are, wild animals. And this leads to a less satisfying climax. I can't speak for men, but focus is pretty darn important when it comes to the female orgasm.

7. It's just not as fulfilling. You are limited to a few positions, and pretty basic ones at that. If you want to get crazy, buy a copy of the Kama Sutra, stretch, and have at it. Just not in the car.

Funny Guys Are Better In Bed (Says Science)

Stop passing up the funny guy for the hot one! He knows how to please.
There is something about a funny man that is truly sexy. There are some comedians out there that aren’t conventionally attractive but because they're hilarious we crush HARD. (Looking at you, Louis C.K.) Well, a new study has found that funny men are not only attractive to women but they're really good in bed, too!
A study published in Evolutionary Psychology journal found that class clowns are more attractive to the opposite sex, in general, and that women initiate sex and have more orgasms more frequently with men with a sense of humor.

But why are women so drawn to guys with a sense of humor to begin with?
"Men with a good sense of humor tend to have better social skills and self-confidence," Dr. Gordon G. Gallup Jr., co-author of the study tells YourTango. "Women in committed relationships with males who have a good sense of humor also feel better protected by their partners, perhaps because humor can take the edge off of otherwise dangerous situations and/or encounters."


"Another important consideration is that humor is a proxy for intelligence and creativity. Therefore, males with a good sense of humor probably have multifaceted advantages when it comes to getting good jobs and making more money," continues Dr. Gallup Jr.
Funny fellas, we're coming for you — not that we weren't before — but more than ever, now.

3 Crazy But Powerful Tips For Better Sex

You should also learn about what YOU enjoy during sex.

You'll be surprised. Learning how to have good sex with your man is easy. Not only is it easy, but it can be incredibly fun too, if you follow just a small amount of these instructions.

(P.S. If you want to learn my best dirty talking tips & techniques for building sexual tension & turning him on, you’ll find them in this powerful video)

One of the biggest problems women face when trying to learn how to have good sex is that they often turn to pornography for help. Sadly pornography isn't real and it while it may have a few good nuggets of information hidden inside it, it's mostly garbage. The other problem is that people often believe that to be better at sex, you just need to be wilder and more kinky. Again, this can certainly help, but again it's not quite the right attitude to have.

 

Below are 3 things that you need to focus on if you truly want to know how to have good sex with your man.

1. Great Communication
I really don't want to sound like some sort of self-help 'guru' who talks about 'effective communication' but the fact is that having great communication with your man is crucial to having a great sex life. Talking to him and finding out what he likes, hates and is indifferent to is vital if you want to improve your sex life. The same goes for making sure he knows what you like, hate and are indifferent to.
You don't ever need to have a sit down, serious conversation with your man about this. In fact that would probably be counterproductive. A much better way is to talk to him about it when you are already getting sexual with him. Get vocal about what you like him doing, "Keep doing that, it feels so good" or "I love it when you hit that spot". You should also be obvious and vocal about what you don't like. This will let him know exactly what you don't like him doing.
2. Try New Things


It's great to have a few default 'sex moves' that you know will rock your man's world. But if you use these every single time you are intimate with your man, then he's going to eventually get bored of them. A much better way to ensure you always have good sex with your man is to have a large library of sex moves to use on him. With this in mind, you may learn a thing or 20 from the the oral sex tutorial video that you can watch here.
I know what you're thinking, "Well D'uh, but where can I learn some more new moves?" Fear not, I have you covered. As well as finding a complete guide on how to give your man incredible oral sex in the Bad Girl's Bible, today I want to give you some tips that you can use immediately:
Naughty Words: Another pretty straightforward, but slightly more difficult way to have good sex is to talk dirty to your man during it. Just like with learning new lovemaking positions, being super exotic or wild is not necessarily better.
You'll discover that even just moaning and groaning more than usual can make everything far more enjoyable for your man, but it's even more powerful if you can vocalise exactly what you like about your man and what you enjoy him doing. "That feels so good" or "Faster" or "I wish you could just do that forever". You'll find that saying things that massage his ego work best.


Just remember that you don't want to go overboard, otherwise you are going to start to sound unbelievable and a little ridiculous. You'll find examples & tips in the dirty talking instructional presentation that you can watch here.
3. Learn About Yourself
Learning how to have good sex shouldn't be all about your man. It's just as vital that you have a lot of fun as well. Probably the best way to make sure you have a lot of fun during sex is to explore your own body and discover exactly what turns you on through masturbation.
This doesn't need to be something you do in the presence of your man. In fact, it's probably easier to do it on your own as their will be less pressure to 'perform'. Then when you discover exactly what you like, you can let your man know so that he can incorporate it into your lovemaking
If you enjoyed learning these foreplay tips, but want a true sex masterclass, then you may be interested in the Bad Girl's Bible site. Inside you will learn everything you need to know to please your man from head to toe, including a detailed & powerful video tutorial on how to give your man perfect oral sex. Click here to check it out now.