Sex addiction. Sex addiction is seen by most as less of an addiction and more of a hypersexual disorder. It refers to people who continually engage in sexual behaviors that are damaging toward themselves or those closest to them.
What’s an example? Rory Reid, Ph.D., LCSW, who is a research psychologist at UCLA’s Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, says sexual addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways. He cites a man who spends half his income on prostitutes or someone who watches adult films while at work despite being warned that they will lose their job.
Consequences. Melissa Haas, director of restoration groups at HopeQuest Ministry Group, wrote of her struggle dealing with her husband’s sexual addiction. “I learned,” she began, “that there was the possibility we had both been exposed to HIV because of his acting out in high-risk populations.
The pain. Haas remembers the process of counseling with her husband as being particularly brutal. “Not only was there hurt caused by my husband’s unfaithfulness, there was also great hurt caused by his anger and criticism throughout our marriage… His sexual acting out had included affairs with three women I called friends. I felt betrayed by them too. There were so many wounds to heal.”
Sense of self -worth. “If I could describe that initial year of recovery it would be overwhelming,” recalls Haas. “It can be tempting at times to define ourselves by our husbands’ struggle and the suffering it brings into our lives.” She emphasizes that though the pain being experienced is very real, their value as people is very real and important as well, in spite of the pain.
You won’t realize until later. One of the Stir Bloggers over at The Stir recalled her experiences with addiction and said it took years for her to discover her husband was a sex addict.
Ownership. “My ex-husband truly believed he owned my body and that I was in the wrong if I ever denied him access,” she wrote. “When I wouldn’t give in to his advances because I was friggin’ tired from taking care of little kids, or not feeling well… he would coldly turn his back on me and heave deep signs of put-upon-ness.”
No rest, no sleep. The blogger’s husband claimed he was “being respectful” by only asking to have sex daily, considering he thought three times a day or more would be a “good amount.”
Draining. “When you’re with someone that wants it all the time, there’s never a chance for you to want it,” she explains. “You know he’s constantly thinking about it. It’s the only way he feels like he’s living, and it drains the life out of you.”
Ignoring me. She continued to turn down his advances and would cringe inside when he touched her, considering all touch lead to sex for him. She recalled that earlier in their relationship he commented that there was “no point in touching if it wasn’t going to lead to sex.”
Rape. “When he started just climbing on top of me, I didn’t call it rape because I didn’t stop him, even though I had told him I didn’t want to do it,” she says. “I lay there, hating myself and hating him and wishing he would cheat on me so I could have an excuse to leave.”
Aggression. The blogger says at one point after pushing him off of her that her husband punched the pillow next to her head and she, in that moment, felt scared of him.
Taking back the control. It was then that she started saving money so she could get herself and her children out of a dangerous position. They eventually moved out and she filed for divorce.
Blowback. She lost friends and acquaintances. She was told she was ruining her children’s lives. She was called a “wh*re” to her face. These are all people who knew nothing about the situation except for what they heard. She says, despite it all, that she’s doing just fine. “I’m doing better too,” she said. “My body is mine again, and I will never again let someone convince me that I don’t have total ownership over it.”
Lessons learned. There is such a wealth of information to be learned from these women's experiences. Consent is so incredibly important. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, no matter who is asking you to do it. It's important to understand, as well that your partner's problem is not a reflection of you!
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