15 Most Ridiculous Reasons Not To Masturbate

There are lots of forces in our culture that tell us not to love ourselves. We're not even supposed to know what's going on with our own freakin' bodies. That's the same kind of negative attitude that makes masturbation taboo even in this day and age. But if we don’t know how to please ourselves, how will our sexual partners? We have to masturbate. We need to pay attention to what turns us on and show our bodies the love they deserve. First and foremost, masturbation is about self-love. It’s about having fun. It harms no one and, in fact, only helps us better understand and appreciate our bodies. Bottom line: It's OK to masturbate, so don't let anyone's side-eye hold you back from touching yourself and having a grand ol' time. We’re all familiar with judgmental comments about masturbation, but some of them are especially cruel or nonsensical. Worse, they're factually inaccurate. Here are the 15 most ridiculous reasons not to masturbate.

1. It’s sinful. Plenty of things are “sinful.” That’s why you have to be an independent thinker and set your own moral compass. Decide for yourself what is right and what is wrong.

2. You will go to Hell. Eternal damnation sounds horrible, but let’s be realistic. WWJD? Masturbate. If Jesus Christ was all about love, that probably included self-love, too.

3. You will lose your virginity to yourself. No, you won’t. That’s impossible. And even if it weren’t, it wouldn’t prevent you from wanting to eventually have sex with another human being.

4. Losing your virginity won’t be as special. Touching yourself is not the same as having another person touch you. You will still desire human touch, no matter how often you masturbate.

5. You won’t be able to enjoy partner sex. If anything, masturbation helps you enjoy partner sex more. If you and your partner both masturbate, you have a good understanding of your sexual preferences. You can communicate your insights to each other and make sex less of a guessing game for both of you.

6. You’ll be selfish during partner sex. Only if you’re a jerk. Again, communication matters. Ask what your partner likes and be kind enough to indulge them.

7. You will make unrealistic demands on your partner. The logic here is that you can masturbate pretty much whenever you want, as long as you can find a private place, but your partner won’t necessarily want sex whenever you’re hot and ready. This is where being an adult comes in. Communicate with your partner about your sexual needs and it will be OK.

8. It’s a waste of time. You could argue that about any form of entertainment. Our time on Earth is finite, but not everything we do can be monumentally important. Sex is a part of life and if you’re going to have it, you might as well have a good time.

9. It will make you dumb. It might not help you find the cure for cancer, but it will help you find the cure for your sexual desire. Masturbation is a form of education. Though you shouldn’t do it 24/7, you should be informed about your own body.

10. You’ll lose the sensitivity in your fingers. We touch all sorts of objects all the time, everyday. In terms of affecting your fingers’ sensitivity, touching your genitals isn’t really any different than touching your keyboard. Chances are you touch your keyboard way more often and your fingers feel fine.

11. You’ll never find a girlfriend or boyfriend. According to this logic, you’ll spend so much time masturbating that you won’t seek human connection. You’ll stay home every Friday night and make no effort to meet new people. If that were true, how would our species have survived this long?

12. It will gross out your partner. Any sexually-active adult who finds masturbation disgusting should probably stop having sex. If they’re not mature enough to explore and understand their bodies, they’re probably not mature enough to explore and understand their partners’ bodies.

13. You’ll never grow out of it. Masturbation isn’t something only teenagers do. It’s for everybody, regardless of age. You can do it as a kid or as a senior citizen. It’s up to you because it’s your body.

14. You’ll spend all your money on sex toys. Sex toys can be expensive, but a high-quality one that gives you pleasure is always worth the investment. There’s nt sex toy out there so expensive that it will drain all of your savings (unless you read Goop). Shop wisely but also remember to treat yourself.

15. You’ll fall in love with yourself. Actually, this doesn’t sound so bad. Narcissism isn’t good, but appreciating your body is a healthy and responsible thing to do.