Overthinking is never helpful for anything. This is especially true when it comes to your sex life. If you find yourself constantly overanalyzing your own performance during sex, don't worry, there's hope. One expert offers advice for those who are trying too hard in bed.
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Performance Anxiety. Ironically, if you spend too much time worrying if you're bad in bed, you might actually end up being bad in bed. When you're worrying you're living inside your head, and you can become robotic in your efforts to try and be better.
Good Sex. How do you know if you're good at sex? Unless your partner specifically gives you a pat on the back and sticker for a job well done, you may not know. You may obsess over it, and that could be your biggest problem.
Media. First off, don't let sex scenes from your favorite movies, HBO shows, or of course porn influence how you think sex is supposed to go. It's all lies, all of it.
Expert. Alicia Sinclair, certified sex educator, sex coach and founder of b-Vibe & Le Wand, told INSIDER: "We've all received mixed messages from society and the media about how we should act and perform in bed." So, don't feel bad if the media has been throwing off your view of sex your whole life.
Expert. Sinclair continued: "It's not uncommon to think that someone will sweep you off your feet or do everything perfectly without trial and error. Realistically, just like all relationships, your sexual relationship takes commitment, effort, and time." Word!
Wondering. One of the biggest mistakes you can make during sex is trying to do everything right, trying to fit an image of what good sex is supposed to be. In doing this, you get trapped in your own head. Comparing your performance to what you've seen in movies is like trying to recreate a fantasy; actually, that's exactly what it is.
Be Present. If you're looking for a helpful sex time, counselor Wendi Dumbroff told INSIDER, being present is key. "When people are focused on worrying about their performance, it is really hard to be present in the moment with yourself or your partner. Notice how much your mind wanders away during intimate moments … how much are you adding on to the experience in your head?," she said.
Thinking. Think about all the conversations you accidentally missed by thinking about something else. Or when you almost ran a stop sign thinking about all the laundry you have at home. The same thing goes for sex: if you're thinking, you're not paying attention.
Confidence. Overthinking and doubting yourself can lead to bad sex, but you know what can lead to good sex? Confidence. "One study found evidence that people who found themselves attractive and were confident in themselves had more frequent sex and a higher rate of sexual partners," INSIDER reports.
Changing your Approach. Ok, you know what you're doing wrong and what you should be doing, but how do you realistically make the switch from overthinking worrier to present and confident? Well, to be honest, it's a process.
Wander. First things first, according to INSIDER, your mind probably will still wander, and that's ok. However, if you feel yourself on the corner of Worry St. and Panic Dr., then refocus. Refocus your thoughts to the present and calm yourself down.
Sex Therapist. Sex therapist Angie Gunn told INSIDER some quality advice: "When you notice thoughts and feelings around your performance, bring yourself back to the sensations of your body, and the experience of your partner's body."
Sex is Fun. Sex is supposed to be a fun, enjoyable experience. Remember that sex is supposed to be fun and not taken too seriously. Make sure that you aren't stuck in your inner thoughts and that you are in the moment, which will help you emotionally connect with your partner," Kristie Overstreet, sexologist and psychotherapist, says as reported by INSIDER.
Bad. Another important thing to remember: sex won't always be great, and sometimes it will be downright bad. However, it's fine, life goes on and it goes on much quicker if you're able to laugh off the embarrassing.
Final Words of Wisdom. A final word of wisdom to remember next time you feel performance anxiety creeping up: "No one has perfect sex, no matter how hot, wealthy, or experienced they are. Once you can let go of that, you can get back to enjoying all that sweet, sweet action. And you and your partner will be reaping all of the benefits of that healthy mindset," INSIDER says.
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